a lonelier version of you
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: Sam can't help it; he Googles himself. He's not at all prepared for what he finds. Tag/Missing scene to 14x13, Lebanon


**Title from Rat-A-Tat by Fall Out Boy**

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Sam can't help it; he Googles himself. It's stupid, and he knows he shouldn't breathe life into this other him, but the temptation of the could-have-been is too much. So.

His name doesn't turn up much, not at first. Just that he's some successful lawyer with his own company, who occasionally does motivational talks about healthy living and kale. It's normal. A bit embarrassing, sure, (and Sam knows Dean will never let him live this one down) but normal. He's even wearing glasses and stupid professor's jumpers that he doesn't have to keep washing blood out of.

He scrolls idly for about five more minutes, only turning up more of the same, and is just about to give up the search when a headline catches his eye. It's dated from 2016 and proclaims, 'Brother of FBI's Most Wanted Speaks Out'. Sam stares at it for a moment, then clicks.

'Serial killer Dean Winchester has topped the FBI's Most Wanted since a string of kills in St. Louis, Missouri, in 2005,' the article states. 'For years, Winchester's brother, Sam Winchester, has refused to speak on the matter, despite being an incredibly public figure, and one of America's rising stars in the law field. Until now.'

Sam rolls his eyes at the press theatrics. He has half a mind to stop reading and get on with the real work he has to do. But... He sighs. He thinks often enough about what life might have been like had he just stayed at Stanford. Might as well find out.

'After his brother's last known kill - a beheading in Palm Springs, California - reporters finally managed to get an interview with Mr. Winchester, who is currently living in California.'

There's a video below this, showing an image of Other Sam in his stupid sweatshirt and glasses, surrounded by reporters. Sam studies his face carefully - this guy might look like him, but there's something about him that Sam doesn't quite recognise. There's a tightness in his face, something too closed off and carefully controlled to really be _him. _

The video takes a second to load, and Sam almost jumps when the sound of flashing cameras and shouting reporters suddenly blares out from his laptop. He winces and hurriedly lowers the sound, glancing round to check that no one heard. There's no footsteps coming in his direction, though, so Sam turns back to the video.

"Mr. Winchester, what can you tell us about your brother?" one reporter shouts.

"Do you have any contact with your brother at all?" another asks, shoving a mic in his face.

Other Sam remains stony-faced, looking almost bored with what's going on. Eventually, he sighs irritably. "I haven't had any contact with my family since I left for college fifteen years ago," he says grimly. "I know nothing about my brother's whereabouts, nor do I intend on finding them out." He moves to turn away, but then another reporter jumps in front of him.

"Mr. Winchester, what would you say to your brother, if you saw him tomorrow?"

A pained look briefly flits across Other Sam's face before the cold mask settles back in place. "I don't have anything to say to Dean. Not anymore," he tells her, then turns away. This time the reporters let him pass, and Sam's heart breaks a little for this other guy, because he knows himself well enough to know when he's lying, and that _was _a lie, Sam's sure of it. He sighs heavily, and is about to click off the article when he notices his double take the arm of a tall blonde woman as he walks away. Her back is turned to the cameras, and it's only a split-second shot before the video ends, but Sam's heart stills in his chest when he sees her. Surely, it can't be...

Sam frantically scrolls down the article, scanning it for any mention of this other guy's life. Finally, he comes across a photo, and one look at it confirms all of Sam's suspicions. It's clearly from a few years ago; Other Him doesn't have the same cold look as the guy in the video did, and his smile appears almost genuine. He's standing outside a large building, WINCHESTER AND CO. emblazoned above the doors, a glass of champagne in one hand, his other wrapped around the woman from the video.

'PICTURED:' the caption reads. 'Samuel Winchester at the opening of his law firm, here with his wife, Jessica Moore-Winchester.'

Sam's breath leaves his body in a huge rush as he stares and stares at the words underneath the photo. _His wife. Jessica Moore-Winchester_. In this world, where Sam is a lawyer and Dean is a so-called serial killer, Sam has a _wife_, one who didn't die at college, but who is actually alive and real and _his wife -_

Well. Technically she's not real; Jessica and Other Him and even this goddamn article aren't real yet - they're just figments of the world's imagination. But the longer they stall, the longer John stays with them, the closer they inch to this becoming their reality. And Sam... Sam doesn't know how he feels about that.

He wonders idly what it would be like, to let John stay, to let this world take over. How would it happen? Would they just slowly all fade, and be replaced by these other people? Or would Sam wake up one morning in a house with a white-picket fence, Jessica next to him, yesterday's newspaper by the side of the bed? A part of him yearns for that, to forget all about monsters and to have a normal life, a dream that he's never quite been able to give up on even after all these years. It's strange, because Sam finally has the choice to make it more than just a dream and, much as he knows it would be wrong, he's almost tempted to just let it all happen.

But then he hears Dean calling for him, and he knows there's no real choice. He's wanted Jessica alive again since the moment she died, but having her would mean losing Dean, Mary, John. It's not worth it, and, besides, he doesn't want to become the Sam he saw in that video, so cold and lonely. He would be living out a lie if he decided to become the Other Him, and Sam can't do that again. More to the point, he can't do that to Dean.

So Sam closes the article, shuts his laptop down, and goes to find Dean. Because they're family, and that's more important than anything else in the world.


End file.
